Matonism

Matonism

Sunday, 22 October 2017

Coming Out, Maybe?

here


If there is any other way to express my sadness, it will be through writing.



The urge to write, but have no idea what to say. The urge to stay strong, but emotionally drained, almost losing it all.

You thought you know, but you don't. You thought you're strong, but you are not. You thought the World is on your side, but you're wrong.

You thought it'd be cool to insult, but when the table turns, when everything goes against you. You will know. You will understand, but it will be too late to say sorry to those you hurt before.




People change, and at one point, so do I. Perhaps I should go back to where I belong.

This is just a little bit of my story I haven't told but those who know me will know this - the biggest turning point in my life. How I turned bad, real bad.


It was a little breezy that day, and I was a normal 14-year-old teenager. Few days before Eid, just like today (hijri calendar).

I was in love, real deep love. Seeing the world, for a sheer moment I thought the world was mine. I wasn't all naive and innocent but she changed it all, made me wanted to start over, let us put it that way.

Before I begin, let me share a bit of my past way before I was 14.

I had a terrible, terrible childhood, making me believed that there is no good in love. There is no love at all.

Perhaps, my first 'official' meeting (encounter) with my father was when I was around 4 to 5 year old. I still remember it clearly, as though it was yesterday. Maybe it was yesterday.

When I was 6, my teacher called my mom and she had to rush from work just to pick me up from kindergarten. I couldn't remember that much, but all I know is that my mom was very upset that day. She didn't utter a word until late that day. She said, "The teacher told me you were being rude."

I didn't know what rude was, but all I knew was the word made her very, very upset.

What did I do in the class? Well, I made fun of the teacher. Forgive me, teacher. I didn't mean to. It was just that, I don't know what was right and what was wrong.

Enough with that, although I was a bit mischievous at first, I became a lot passive when I turned 7. I went to one private integrated school, it was bad and good altogether.

I was passive in my first 4 years, which means I was passive until I was 10. I was quiet. My grades weren't all good. I failed twice on my tajwid exams when I was in standard 4. I was always the top 20 students, out of 21 students. My parents seemed to give up on me. I don't mind though. I know I'm not like my eldest sister. She was all bright and smart. She got everything a 12-year-old girl could ever wish for. She got all the talents, fame, love from everyone around. I don't blame her for that. She was a perfect example of a perfect life, in my opinion, as a 10 year old child.

And there I go, at the corner of a huge box. Living my dark life. I was molested, I was bullied, name anything harsh you've gone through, I can tell you I faced double the situation. Some teachers even made fun of me, threw my books outside the classroom because I was so stupid.

I've never shared it with my parents, until today. But whatever, shit happens.

Some things do change, like my life. When I was 11, I started joining sports in school. It was cool, okay. Taekwondo, futsal, archery, handball. Name it. I'll be there and make sure I score everything perfectly, and I did. I even played for the state.

 I got 5As for my UPSR yet I got Jayyid Jiddan for my PSRA but that's fine. I'm not interested in religion anyway. I started being so bad, the table turned. I was good and bad at the same time. In front of my parents, I was all angelic. Behind them, I was the bully. I bullied because I was so tired being bullied. I thought I had my first love, weird because you know what? I was in love with someone much older. I won't tell who, but what weirder was, I've never thought I'll come out of the closet, I was in love with someone with the same gender as mine.

Weird, I know. I've never heard of homosexuality. Yet I was so in love. It was weird. My parents knew and they were worried. My eldest sister knew but I don't know if she's worried or not. It was all weird, because even when they all knew about it, nobody gives a fuck.

I've been molested a lot, but why oh why maybe that made me got interested even more. I learned about sex from those group of bad people when I was 12.


Anyways that was a little bit of my past. Let's come back to where I was 14.

For a second I thought, God, I'm actually a straight person. Good.

So I was in a relationship with, let's say, Diana.


I was in love, real deep love. Seeing the world, for a sheer moment I thought the world was mine. I wasn't all naive and innocent but she changed it all, made me wanted to start over, let us put it that way.

It was the best few months of my life. I felt like being loved, a real one. It was so nice, you know? To be in love.

We went to different schools, but that's alright. At that moment, she had family issues. Her parents were recently divorced. I had my own family issue as well, perhaps not as massive as hers, but different kind of issue. I won't tell, it's my family's personal issue.

Things went very smoothly until a few days before Eid. Just like today.

I was in Korea, my dad worked there at that time. Diana started to distance herself from me. So far I don't think I'm able to chase her, yet tried and of course, I failed.

She left me hanging. I texted her. I emailed her (please note at that time WhatsApp never existed, so did any other online applications on mobile phones).

Damn it was painful.

I was a naughty little kid, and then during my teenage years, I was learning. I turned a little bit more mischievous, and then I turned good and everything went perfectly when I was with her. Of course, we had our dirty moments, although I've never taken her to bed.

And then she left me.

///

I can't remember exactly when I wrote this, but today when I was scrolling all drafted entries on my blog, I came across this one. And it stopped there. So I won't continue, because I don't want to 'interfere' my old self's way of writing.

It was all true. And perhaps now I know why, it wasn't published or posted at all - because I was scared of judgements. From readers. And maybe that was the reason I stopped abruptly.

It's weird to read my old writing and feels like I've never written it all. I'm just going to leave it here. For you to read, and for you to judge. Cheers.

Saturday, 22 July 2017

From Your Demon

le owner


It's disappointing and sad, both at once. When your head is overwhelmed with unspoken words.

My vision gets blurry day by day. It'confusing. The unseen wound is painfully excruciating. The silent scream is deafening. Sleepless night, by night.

Hell exists in this world, I swear to God it exists.

In the coldest night. In the darkest hour. In this sad, sad memory I wander. Alone, and honestly so lonely.

People around acted like they know me.
Judging me like they created me.

Truth is, they did create me. They shaped me to somebody they wanted me to be, even when that means I have to put masks on masks to cover my true self. I have to put on the sweetest smile I got, made by the saltiest tears.

It's hard, and life has never been easy.

I told you I gave up on you, on us. It was actually me that I gave up on.
I gave up on myself.

I'm never gonna make you happy. I'm never gonna make you smile, for I don't know what a smile is. And I have no idea what happiness means.


I swear to God when I said "it's not you, it's me." I was being brutally honest.

It wasn't your fault, never is, and never will be.


My sadness is immortal. It can't be killed. No matter how many times we tried, we ain't killing it. We're killing me.


I've always wanted you, but you're an angel who fell in love with a demon.
And I'm the demon, who fell in love with the sweetest, prettiest angel.

I'm the demon, wearing a mask of a monster, who is wearing a mask of a fallen angel, who is pretending to be the most decent person you've ever met.

Sadly, mi amor, life is a constant battle of good and bad.
Heaven and hell aren't one. They are separated, yet they're joined into one, in which we call it, this world.

This heartache is unbearable. The whispers are real. The pain is inevitable.

Tonight I took few sips of liquor, and take a couple puffs of cig.
Tonight I took the blade, and slowly cut it along my thigh.
Tonight I stood on a rooftop, screaming my lungs out.
Tonight I stared at the night sky, it's brighter than my life.

Tonight I took a final glance at your photograph inside my wallet.

Tonight I decided to end this all, make it fast so the pain won't last.

I'm sorry you had to fall in love with a demon.
I should've known where I belong.

I'll be loving you from afar.
Just as how I've been doing so far.

I love you, but I hate myself.
And truly, one can never learn to love others when they don't know how to love themselves.



///


"So let me just give up.
So let me just let go.

Let me just stop trying.
Let me just stop fighting."

-- Katelyn Tarver, You Don't Know

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Lapar?

[credit here]

Semua orang lapar. Aku lapar, kau lapar. Kita semua ada masa-masanya rasa lapar.

Semua orang buat dosa. Aku buat dosa, kau buat dosa. Kita semua buat dosa.

Semua orang suka bercerita. Aku suka bercerita, kau suka bercerita. Kita semua suka bercerita.



Biar aku bagitahu sesuatu yang orang ramainya tak tahu. Blog ni tempat ruangan peribadi. Tempat aku luahkan apa yang aku rasa. Tempat aku nak menulis. Tempat aku nak bercerita dan sesungguhnya aku tak harapkan pembaca, walaupun satu masa dulu blog aku ni dapat hampir 2 juta pembaca. Tapi itu semua dulu. Sekarang aku dah slow down. Nak menulis pun banyak yang unpublished, bukannya tak update. Hampir setiap minggu juga aku tulis entri baru. Tapi simpan sorang-sorang sajalah.

Sebabnya, ramai sangat yang suka berprasangka.


Aku bagitahu satu lagi perkara. Hubungang aku dan kau bukannya hubungan pasangan kekasih. Bukan juga kawan yang kau boleh rileks pm buat lawak tak kelakar. Bukan butthurt, tapi ada benda kena belajar limit. dengan siapa kau bergurau. Perkara apa yang dibawa bergurau. Entahlah. Mungkin aku dah tua.


Aight, berbalik pada topik asal aku.

Lapar.

"O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful." (Al Hujurat:12)

Bagi yang kurang faham. Maksud ayat ni menjelaskan bahawasanya, Allah menyeru orang beriman supaya elakkan daripada ber-prasangka. Kerana sesungguhnya sebahagian daripada prasangka itu dosa, dan elakkan daripada mengumpat. Sebabnya, adakah kita suka makan daging saudara kita yang telah mati?

Lalu Allah pesan pada kita supaya takutlah kepada Allah, dan sesungguhnya Allah maha menerima taubat.


Di sini ya, biar aku jelaskan sesuatu.

Aku, kau, kita semua sama. Tapi ada perkara dalam dunia ni, kita kena sedarlah. Kalau tak mampu menampung dosa-dosa kita dengan amalan taubat, tak perlulah seronok-seronok tambah dosa kita macam syurga neraka tak pernah diciptakan.

Benda paling tak best sekali kadangnya ada sesetengah golongan yang chill gila guna ayat "aku bukan nak mengumpat, tapi..."

Tapi apa?

Aku bukanlah manusia paling baik dalam dunia. Aku bukanlah manusia paling mulia dalam dunia. Dan kau juga bukan.

Daripada mengumpat-mengumpat buka aib orang lain, just take a reflect and see ourselves.

Kalau rasa tak tahan sangat, boleh mesej personally tegur kesilapan orang tu.

And nak menegur ni pun kena ada master skill untuk tawan hati mad'u. Tak boleh terus direct mesej guna sarcasm, "Best ke orang kagum dengan tulisan kau, acah-acah dakwah, tapi belakang berasap merokok."

Similarly macam kalau sekarang ni aku terus pakai serbu kata, "Eh sedap ke tu makan daging orang tu? Kanibal, kanibal, kanibal!"

Haa mesti tak best kan?


Ini adalah entri counter as a victim kepada orang-orang yang suka mengumpat aku. Lelelel.

Takdelah.

Tapi betul juga, dalam Quran tu, Allah tujukan pesanan tu pada orang beriman. Jadi aku tak expect untuk kita semua terkesan dengan ayat tu.

Bukan apa, beriman ke kita sebenarnya?

Friday, 10 February 2017

Just A Drop of Ink.




Kalau kerana takdir kita dipertemukan. Maka boleh jadi atas nama takdir kita dipisahkan.


Irsyad senyum sorang-sorang. Dia dah berjaya graduate dengan jayanya. Walaupun dia ingat lagi satu masa dulu dia janji untuk bersama temannya yang satu itu.

"Kita masuk sama-sama, kau kena make sure kita grad sama-sama. Aku taknak ambil scroll sorang-sorang." Kata Irsyad pada Qiden lepas dia dengar keluhan Qiden bahawa betapa sukarnya nak hafal anatomi.

Qiden sengih. "Entahlah, aku rasa kan macam memang kau yang grad dulu ni. Aku ni entah grad entah tidak."

Balasan Qiden itu disambut dengan satu tumbukan padu pada bahunya. "Kau ingat kau boleh drop? Lepas kau paksa aku ambil medik?" Irsyad geram.

Qiden cuma ketawa sambil mengusap-usap bahunya yang terasa panas ditumbuk Irsyad.


Dia letak stetoskop atas meja. Baru balik kerja. Butang kemeja ditanggalkan satu per satu.

Check telefon bimbit. Beratus-ratus mesej daripada grup whatsapp syarikat yang baru beberapa bulan ditubuhkannya. Pekerja pun tak ramai, dalam lapan orang saja. Dia tak buka, terus ke mesej-mesej yang di hantar secara peribadi oleh beberapa orang pekerjanya.

Selepas dibalas satu dua, dia baring.

"Qiden, kalaulah kau ada dengan aku sekarang." Dia berkata-kata sendiri.

Skrol instagram, twitter, check email. Berjuta perkara yang dia kena selesaikan tapi bapak lah malasnya.


I used to write because writing is my remedy, but guess now I'm truly healed. That's why I stopped.

Or maybe because I don't want to re-live the pain.

I don't know.

Qiden, kau taknak balik semula ke? Kau tak tahu ke banyak benda aku nak cerita.

Pasal buku. Pasal kompeni. Pasal love life aku. Pasal skateboard. Pasal semua benda. Makanan feveret aku masih tak berubah, tapi aku prefer yang kau masak.

Btw, aku masih sakit lagi sebenarnya. Makin hari makin sakit. Tapi kau pesan supaya aku kuat. Sometimes aku rasa bukannya aku taknak kuat, tapi aku tak nampak apa target hidup aku sebenarnya.

Aku almost keluar dari agama. Masih contemplating sampai sekarang. Aku terfikir nak buat banyak benda haram. Tapi bila fikir balik, aku pun tak tahu apa sebenarnya yang aku nak dalam dunia ni.

Kadang-kadang macam, aku rasa aku hidup terlalu bergantung kat manusia. Tapi entahlah. Aku tahu tak logik, tapi tak boleh ke kau datang balik? Kita start over. This time aku janji aku dah takkan take kau for granted.

Aku nak dengar suara kau panggil nama penuh aku suruh bangun qiamullail. Aku nak dengar kau baca Quran sambil aku baring dekat riba kau macam kita selalu buat. Aku nak makan yang kau masak lagi.

Memang sekarang kawan aku lagi ramai, tapi tak sama. Aku sayang kawan yang sekarang. I don't know.

Maybe aku patut tinggalkan kau kat sini. Mungkin aku kena lepaskan semua kenangan kita. Maybe cuma dengan cara tu aku betul-betul boleh move on and fokus pada masa depan.

Aku tak tahu.

Aku keliru.

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